On Asexuality, Part 2

 After re-reading my last entry a few times and cringing internally, I realized I didn't do a very good job with getting some of my main ideas across.  I really don't like talking or writing about myself very much (one thing I'm trying to work on with these posts), and when doing so, I tend to be overly succinct or meander around the point without saying much.  I'd like to tie up some loose ends here.

The main thing I think I failed at was giving a general idea of my orientation all in one place, so let's do that first.  I identify as asexual.  I do find people attractive and beautiful, but I do not seek out sexual relationships in real life.  My furriness and macrophilia complicate things a bit online.  In those worlds, the feelings of attraction tend to be stronger, and I am able to indulge someone else's wishes online if I've formed an emotional bond with them and feel safe.  Sex is still not something I seek out online, but it's something I can feel comfortable doing with the right person if it makes them happy.

I think I gave the impression that I was scared of the idea of sex.  I was really afraid of having a lack of a reaction to someone's advances.  In high school, I'm sure I came off as clueless because of this, and I was, but again, "sorry, I'm asexual" just wasn't in anyone's vocabulary back then.  I felt like I had to bail on my potential partners instead of being honest, and that unfortunately carried over to when I got online.  I ghosted so, so many people before I got a handle on this, and it was always because I would just freeze up and be unable to continue when I realized where things were going.  It was never because of the act itself, but because I stressed over not being into it and coming across as broken.  I again apologize if you're one of those people.  I hope it makes a little sense now, at least.  It's still hard to just come out and say it, but I'm getting better at it.

The last post did spawn a few good conversations that I very much enjoyed, but I do want to make something clear after having them:  I did not mean for my previous post to be any sort of statement about sex in the furry fandom.  This was a hotly-debated topic back in the old days (Burned Furs!  Remember all that?), and while I think we've all calmed down about it quite a bit, I also think it's best to stick to stating personal preferences and experiences and leaving it at that.  There's a huge difference between "this is how I feel and do" and "this is how everyone should feel and do."

Lastly, I don't want anyone to feel like they have to walk on eggshells or act differently around me in public spaces.  The only way you can really make me uncomfortable online regarding sexual content is to suddenly make a private conversation or roleplay all about that.  Think about what's acceptable in public, and unless I know you pretty well already, using the same guidelines will go a long way toward making me feel comfortable and will be most appreciated.  As with anything, if you're unsure, I do not mind at all being asked!  Showing concern and consideration is a great way to build trust as well.

That's it!  This post said everything I really wanted to say, but the muddled history in the last one might still be worth a read if you're going through these in reverse chronological order and are curious.  Thanks again for indulging my efforts in self-exploration.  Even if no one ever reads them, writing these posts is therapeutic, and I hope to continue the streak!

On Asexuality

I came out as asexual with a series of tweets some time ago, and I always meant to elaborate in a longer post like this to tell the whole story.  Like I said in yesterday's post, I think it's finally time to tell it, so here goes.  I'm going to be as open as I can, and this is probably way more information than you're used to hearing from me, especially about stuff like this.

My story will be a lot simpler to tell and understand if I get one thing out of the way and out in the open.  I am male in RL.  Probably 95% of you reading this either already knew or aren't surprised in the least to find out, the furry fandom being what it is.  It's something I've never really advertised until now, but I made it my policy years ago to tell the truth if asked directly.  In my early days on the internet, however, my insecurities led me to lie about it on a couple of occasions that I still remember.  If you are one of those people, I am truly sorry.  This subject probably deserves its own post at a later date, so I'll drop it for now.

A Little History

Asexuality is described as a "sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction."  That certainly described me growing up.  Nothing really seemed amiss until my 8th grade year, the year more and more talk with my friends was devoted to who we liked, who we wanted to go out with, and what would happen on those dates.  That was when I started to realize my idea of a fun date didn't jibe completely with everyone else's.  I thought going to an arcade or a movie with someone was a fun time in itself, but to everyone else, that seemed to just be the first act--the true objective was to see how far you could get in the infamous rounding of the bases.

I understood first base well enough.  Dates usually included a single or two as I went through high school.  Past that, however, I was lost.  I just never had the desire to go further.  It was expected, though, and for a while I just sort of went through the motions very awkwardly--quite literally "fake it 'til you make it".  It never felt right, nor did it feel like I was really doing any of it of my own volition.  I was doing it because not doing so would arouse suspicion of there being something wrong with me, and I gradually began to avoid situations and conversations that could lead me to that confrontation of suspicion.

I never had access to the term "asexual" as a means to describe myself back then.  It was newly-minted in the 1980s, and in the pre-internet age, it hadn't filtered down to the very rural West Texas town I grew up in.  Even if I'd had the word, there were really only two explanations back then for me not pursuing sex that would have been believed.  I was either closeted gay or had some sort of mental illness.  Neither one of those was a pleasant brush to be painted with in that place and time.  I didn't think I was the former, so I had to consider the latter possibility.  I think everyone else did, too.  I was never bullied or made fun of for it, at least, but I could tell word got out, and the two girlfriends I had during that time just sort of gave up on me after a while.  I can hardly blame them; I was really wasting their time in an attempt to look normal.

College came, and very few of the people I knew in high school ended up attending mine.  I just sort of dropped the charade at that point and put all my effort into my studies.  I didn't do the bar scene (it helped that the drinking age had just been raised to 21, so that wasn't really an option to begin with), and I just did my own thing.  I still thought there was probably something wrong with me, but at least it didn't really seem to matter nearly as much.

At home, my parents probably knew something was up.  They never had "the talk" with me, possibly because they didn't think I needed it.  At church, we were constantly taught that premarital sex was a sin, so I could console myself with the fact that I was being a good Christian.  Maybe it was actually a blessing that I was that way.  I had it so easy!  Whew, we'll get to religion next time.

So, I had more or less just accepted the way I was and was getting on with my life, when I found...

The Fandom

A few years after college, the Internet became a thing.  Quite soon after my first forays online, the furry fandom became a thing as well, at least for me.  Up until this time, I had no idea at all that there was a group of people that had the same sorts of thoughts about anthropomorphic animal characters running through their minds as I did.  I grew up thinking I was the only one, and I actually considered it to be the cause of my lack of feelings of sexual attraction toward people--they seemed to be directed toward these characters instead.  Needless to say, finding the furry fandom opened up a lot of possibilities, and when I found the macrofurry fandom in short order after that...oh boy.

I still remember being in the college computer lab (I borrowed a friend's ID who was still attending, as I didn't have internet access of my own just yet) and stumbling across Ken Sample's first site.  I was stunned.  This was a thing I thought I'd invented, and here was someone else visualizing it perfectly.  Sexily.  It validated all those "weird" feelings I'd thought myself broken for having, and it gave me hope that there might be even more people out there sharing the same outlook, hope that was realized when I got on FurryMuck and started meeting the first of my friends in the fandom.  All was wonderful!

Until it wasn't.  After a few conversations, I soon realized that furries were much more open about sex than just about everyone I knew in RL, and with my history, it was a bit too much to handle sometimes.  Again, I still didn't have the term "asexual" to know and describe myself, so there was a lot more awkwardness, and in my desire to explore (and be accepted), I did a few things I was not comfortable with.  It's weird to think how just reading text can turn you off and make you shut down emotionally, but perhaps you know the feeling.  I soon fell into the same methods to cope that I used in my high-school years, muddling through when I had to, avoiding the situation altogether when I was overwhelmed.  If you are one of the people I met during this time, and you were just completely perplexed as to how to interact with me because of this, I can only say that I'm sorry I didn't completely know who I was back then.  I had a few close online relationships during this time, but they all eventually grew cold and faded, and I know the reasons were complicated by my lack of desire for even online versions of sex.  I was slowly learning what I liked, wanted and needed, but I wasn't able to use it yet to find people I'd be more likely to mesh with. 

Things have been much better these past few years.  I finally discovered the term for how I felt, and again, knowing there were others did wonders for my feelings of being different and outside what seemed to be everyone else's experience.  I found more close friends that I can be comfortable around--I have found all the quirky ways I'm wired sexually and am able to explore ideas with them.

Conclusion

Wow, this post is getting long--time to wrap it up!  I've said before that I dislike labels in general; they tend to oversimplify and sometimes give false impressions.  I do, however, identify as asexual in that I do not have RL sexual desires toward others.  That's just the way it is.  I've had all sorts of tests done.  Hormones are fine, everything's working as it should.  I just don't feel like using the equipment as much as or in the same way as most people do, and that's OK.

Online is a bit more complicated.  Demisexuality, the ability to experience sexual attraction only after forming an emotional bond with someone, seems to fit much better.  I need to know someone for quite a while before I'm able to venture into sexual situations with them online, and even then, it's dependent on mood.  Trust also factors into it hugely for me.

So why did I write all this?  I wanted to get all this out in the open.  While I think I've come to the point where everything I've discussed isn't really an issue for me anymore, I also feel like it's an elephant in the room that I don't want to ignore anymore, so I'm letting it romp free.  I also hope that anyone with similar feelings might read this and know they're not alone, and they're not broken.  Just different.

I also wrote to educate.  There's a lot of debate whether asexuality should be included in the LGBTQ+ groups, and I think a lot of it centers on the idea that the lack of a certain amount or type of sexual desire disqualifies asexuals, even seeing them as a threat to or a watering down of a group where sexual orientation is a strong identity.  Others say that asexuals don't suffer persecution, and while I was never bullied or made fun of because of this aspect of myself, I cannot tell you how many times I've seen enthusiasm drop, had conversations end, and watched people avoid me because of it.  It's all low-key, but it's there, and seeing it over and over is what made me think there was something wrong with me in the first place.  Whether or not you personally believe it belongs, at least know the perspective.

Thank you for reading this.  This is probably the most personal thing I've ever written, and hitting that Publish button in a few minutes will definitely be the thing I do today that scares me.  But it will also be a relief in many ways, and I thank you again for coming with me to the end of the story.

Sources: Common questions about asexuality | Learn more on asexuals.net

The Book Opens, Coating You In Dust

 Weeeeelllllll, it's been a bit longer since my last post than I would have liked.  I had plenty of good intentions and plans last year to write on a few different topics, but the state of the world--Covid, the protests across the country over the summer, the general dread of everything going on--made it feel like the wrong time to be writing about such things.  While the world's problems still obviously matter, I think it's time to get back to the blog and use it for its other intended purpose: hosting a few essays on subjects I've been wanting to challenge myself and write about for a while, things of a more personal nature that I've kept to myself for years.  Writing about some of them will definitely fit into the "do something every day that scares you" category for me, but maybe someone else will see themselves in the words that come out, know they're not alone, and that'll be worth it.  

So, welcome back!  Let's see if I remember how all this works...